pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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