The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
