the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
