i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
