insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
