Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
