He kissed a someone with a penis
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
