were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
