HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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