I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
