i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
