I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
