I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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