Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
