After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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