I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
