dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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