I will die if light touches me.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
