i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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