I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
