I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
