So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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