Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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