I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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