I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
