Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
