it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
