My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
