I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
