I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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