Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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