Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
