I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
