I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
