I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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