it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
