If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
