when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
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That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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