i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
