ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
