He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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