I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
