OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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