its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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