Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
