one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Vodka?
Forever.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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