I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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