her facebook's as public as her vagina
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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