That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
