; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Randomize
