i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
