He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He better not be in your backpack
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
