My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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