I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
