Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
