I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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